| waiting on some beautiful boy to save me..... |
[31 Dec 2007|09:55pm] |
haha yeah right. i am richards right now and the killers song came on right as my screen loaded. its only appropriate.....
to someone who was once important. i'm glad your happy. i'm glad you finally think you know who you are. but honestly how long is this going to last. how long are you going to think that you know who you are, really are. i'm sad for you because the only thing that makes you realize who you are is a boy. thats pathetic. figure it out yourself. other people will never help, just fog what you think is real. sorry but your posts have been very aggrivating.
i'm sitting around a big table talking to boys about two girls one up. damn. wtf. i have heard way to much about this two girls one cup thing.
this year has been a interesting year. i have experienced enough. enough for 2 whole different lives. i miss him all the time. but thats how this life is going to work. he is not the person i think he is, or want him to be. its just a waste of time.
new years is spent on the internet missing the crap out of kristina and dustin. one or the other. i miss them alot and they have been gone a day. a day. they will be gone three weeks and i am going to fall apart. i miss her so bad. she is my bestest friend. i love her for the completely different persons that we are. she is so fun. she is so openminded. we can say anything to eachother and that is just that.
and now this post is ending because i am surrounded by guys. well they left.
i am hoping that this new year brings more new things than ever before. i am trying to change my life and grow as a person, figure out what i am reallt suppose to do in life. hopefully this year leads to very great things. kate and i will hopefully move to chicago and live happily ever after, going to shows and hanging out with cool sweet people who don't do coke. all my peoria friends will still be my peoria friends, we will play catch phrase and uno all the time and laugh. they will be my best friends forever and things will be great.
how much of this will actually happen, probably none but i have hope, hope in the fact that i won't give up until i am exactly what i want to be.
and my new years is spent practically alone (besides pat, devin, steve, dan, satan, scooter, and other) with my lap top... sweet.
|
|
|
[10 Sep 2007|03:09pm] |
life just keeps getting harder. i worked at icc all through august but now they just don't have anything for me to do which means yet again i am unemployed. i am unmotivated and i am definitely in a slump.
i feel pretty worthless all in all. this month is going to be the hardest yet.
i live everyday waiting to hang out, party, drink. i can't get enough of being with my friends. whether they be true friends or not. most likely the later.
boehl would say i have been wierd all month. i disagree however i must conclude that he is right. my personality it gone down hill. right now i am trying to get my addiction under control and really working on not depending on this to make me better, even though that is exactly what they do.
i need to find a job. even though i don't want to. i really don't want to. nor do i need to. but my parents won't get off my ass. even though i make dinner, go grocery shopping, clean and mow the lawn. my mom made out a table of my future expenses including rent and car payments. it will definitely help me know what my future payments will look like and now i know how much i actually have to make each year
my goal right now is to skip grad school and go straight for the top. a label. i don't know how this plan will work but fuck i would do any job right about now. i'm sick of spending more money than i'm bringing in.
in other news beths birthday is today and things have been wierd with us. probably mostly on my part. i hate when talented people who have everything to look forward to bitch about things. they have so much promise. the forecast is home for the next month, which proves to be nice to hang out again. sleepovers and late night conversations, haha. however i still feel like i just don't belong.
i've got to get out of this funk. NOW! there has got to be more to life
|
|
| so you don't need love..... |
[19 Jul 2007|06:29pm] |
yep. I'm proof. it's no good. just complicates life more, and money does that enough.
wisconsin trip one was good. trip two on saturday.
speaking of money. i had a job. waitressing again. it was terrible. working 15 hours a day and only making 20 bucks at most in tips. bullshit. so i quit. under a week. it was necessary though. they deserved it.
been having fun hanging out, enjoying life. i'm enrolling in classes to get my gpa up and prove to columbia that i am great. got a coupld part time gigs coming up. should be interesting.
i've been thinking lately that life is only going to get harder from here on. i'm spoiled and have never had to pay a bill. what am i going to do when i actually have to spend the money i have saved. it's so nice to just sit on it.
i really enjoy sleeping. and reading books.
go buy the new down to earth, its amazing and there are rumors that this upcoming tour might be there last, tears.
my consumption of beer has risen. its cheaper. 2 dollars for a forty that by the end your totally crunked.
mm i should really get a life. eh well might as well enjoy this while i can.
|
|
| half smile... |
[30 May 2007|08:58pm] |
summer is here.
so far things are pretty fun. everyone is hanging out, and enjoying eachother. i enjoy it too.
i've never felt so in limbo though. not having a job. no responsibilities. i could disappear finally. i'm sure it'll come to that mid june.
hopefully my future will fall into my lap.
i'm enjoying being alone with my mind though, to much. i'm withdrawing from everyone too it sucks.
hope things just get better from here.
and i am crossing my fingers that our paths do not cross within the next lifetime
|
|
| life is blowing |
[23 Apr 2007|11:06pm] |
there comes a time in everyones life where it comes time to size things up. i have never felt this more than right now. in four weeks i will be graduating college. yes an acheivement i must say,one i thought i never acheive but i'm there. i'm not ready to grow up quite yet. in my mind i haven't achieved anything. 5 years ago if you asked me to picture my life in the future this would not be it.
i've learned so much over the last 4 years. more than i could ever share. i know that i am not where i am suppose to be though. i'm not getting the support that i want and my stability is almost completely gone. these things have put me back but i have grown more than i ever imagined. i'm happy with who i am. there are just a couple of things i have to figure out.
i'm hoping summer will give me some of these answers. i know it will be the loneliest summer of my life. no matter how many people i hang out with, i will still be lonely. only because its something other people can't solve. i must find the answer for myself. don't get me wrong the people that i love, you know who you are, will make this summer unforgetable.
most of the time i talk i don't make sense and this is one of those posts.
i was lying in bed thinking about all the shit i could talk about that would be meaningful and really express how i am feeling and then i go to type it and my brain disappears.
life right now amazes me. the way people are. the way people have turned out. the lives they lead. how unimportant i am to them all. the friends i've lost. the love i've given. it just amazes me.
i know its a part of life to have people pass you by. i just wish i didn't let people become so important to me when i'm not important to them. this is something i have to learn. i'm sure it will make life a lot easier. i've got to start writing my goodbye letters to the people i knew here at school. it will be sad to say good bye and it will be wierd to never have to come back to missouri.
i'm hoping there are even better things, and people to come in my future. i plan on living my deepest dreams to thier fullest and to never hold back the person i've become.
|
|
| schedule |
[04 Feb 2007|11:44pm] |
events for the semester...
feb 9-11: home for tec weekend/ birthday celebration/ getting shit done weekend o fun and stress. i don't know how much time i'll have to hang out, i might become a party pooper. gota be up early and stuff. but if there are things going on at pizza works or what not, let me know. i'm going to richards saturday, thats in stone.
feb 14. valentines day. hot date. diner and the jack's mannequin show at the pageant. yeehaww. kate is my date, should be fun.
feb 17. mardi gras. hopefully going to the city for public drinking. and beads. i won;t flash but there are other ways
skip to
march 2. tbs/ underoath/ armor for sleep show at the pageant. with kate and boehl. excited as hell.
march 9-18. sxsw. i won't be attending. next year. i seriously can't miss a single day of class
march 16. gym class heroes at pops. i won't be going cause i don't like them enough. yet.
march 17-18. i will either be home or on an astronomy weekend sleep over to look at the stars and camp in the middle of nowhere. mm what to do.
march 19. mewithoutyou/ sparta/ aloha show at pops. it would be so kick ass. don't know if i can go.
march 23- apirl 1. home for spring break, may be going to chicago. i want a beach.
april 2. early november/ rocket summer show at pops. going and should be great fun.
april 7. hotrodcircut/ forecast show in chicago. probably going.
april 14. decemberists show at the pageant. bought tickets yesterday. so excited.
so far thats everything going down. at the end i'll be totally broke, but totally content. skip to
may 19. graduation day. either the world ends or it'll be again. i'll be hoping for the later. we shall see.
still working hard at the bar. its pretty much all i have now. the thought of actually leaving is getting so much easier. i would never be comfortable living in this state. people here really suck ass. i'm mailing my columbia application tomorrow. it's pretty serious. and stressful. i don't want to be working a dead end job and not applying myself having to wait 6 months of doing nothing before i finally get what i want. plus my parents would drive me mad. eh but i don't have to worry about that yet. 4 months. (sigh)
|
|
| what say you?and all your friends |
[13 Nov 2006|07:00pm] |
Shit!
Nothing makes sense
so I won't think about it.
I'll go with the ignorance.
Eat, sleep, fuck and flee;
in four words, that's me.
I am full of indifference.
What do they old people teach us but how to die (die) die (die)
and what do those hissy fits teach you except how to cry, pussy, cry?
The futile (the futile) it outweighs the beautiful
Futile (the futile) it outweighs the beautiful
Futile (the futile) the futile so futile the futile
Taste!
I have no taste.
I don't like these tiny portions or your artful abortions of sound,
sealed with a kiss and slathered in the sauce sarcastic.
So go choke on your irony.
What do they old people teach us but how to die (die) die (die)
and what do those hissy fits teach you except how to cry, pussy, cry?
The futile (the futile) it outweighs the beautiful
Futile (the futile) it outweighs the beautiful
Futile (the futile) the futile so
I'm eating rat poison for dinner
Pull the cord from the phone
I am dining alone tonight
Rat poison for dinner
Pull the cord from the phone
i am dining alone
so goodnight
I shall not love, yet I'll still sing about it.
Hope it covers the ocean in slime,
the drama and drool.
I'm leaking the blood of a fool.
(I'm full of it, I'm full of it, I'm full.)
Rat posion for dinner
Pull the cord from the phone
I am dining alone, tonight
Rat poison for dinner
Pull the cord from the phone
i am dining alone tonight-
Oh i am dining alone..tonight
Tonight, tonight, oh yeah
~say anything
i'm so pissed i just wrote this big whole thing on myspace 4 times andeverytime it got erased because of a fucking error. what the hell is that. it was great too. goddammit. i'm not doing it over. fuck that i give up. nevermind i need to write
boehl your my best fucking friend. i love you. that was the gist. and a whole bunch of other shit. good shit too. about how i am. what i am doing, and what i want.
son of bitch technology.
I WANT TO BE APPRECIATED. AND WANTED. why does everyone else get good things and i just get shit. its gota change soon, its been so long. i can't even have fun anymore. i can't get drunk. i don;t go out. all i do is work and school. i sleep all the time. i need to get out of the state. go to california. or even chicago. downtown. maybe i will do that for my birthday. just drive up by myself and wonder the city, adventuring. getting lost and getting raped. j/k.
i have no friends here anymore. well i am sure i do but it still feels like i am alone. loosing people makes me sad, but i am not going to be replaced, or shoved aside, or put on a lower ranking than i believe i deserve. i am better than that and i don't deserve to get shit on, thats all. thats legitimate.
"these are my friends and who they have been for always"
last week was stressful. i woke up this morning at 5am to go register for classes. i got everything i wanted and am now just crossing my fingers that i pass everything. i am still on course to graduate in may. exciting i suppose. i'm tired of planning my future, i just want to start living it. i wish i had some way to look into the future so that i can have more confidence that i am on that path i am suppose to be on, the one that will make me the happiest and most successful.
the funny thing is i will probably never be happy. its been so long. its past due but i still know its not time yet. its funny how i am so sure of that. its reverse psycholgy really. if i tell myself its not due, then when it happens i will be surprised. SURPRISE, YOUR HAPPY! i just know its not time yet. no one is going to pop up and sweep me off my feet. seriously they would have to be created out of thin air. i'm pretty sure i've already lost my match but i am still not loosing hope. all well that is not all the world has to offer. i can be alone, i;ve proven that, i'm stronger than i think, actually i always knew i was strong. i'm resiliant. well almost.
kate and i have been having some fun times. a couple weeks ago we went to see brand new, for free, since it was sold out. her friend tim, who works at mississippi nights put us on the guest list. it was pretty awesome. and a great show. i am really glad i went. plus hebb was there. i forgot how much i love to see bands live. two weeks till death cab. i am still going alone which should be new and interesting. i'm just going to bring a book to read in line since hopefully i will be one of the first ones. i want to be in front for sure. there would be no other way. i'm a little nervous to go by myself but i need to turn over this new leaf because if i would start going to shows by myself i would see alot more bands.
kate and i also went to see the new will ferrel movie, stranger than fiction, for free. it was a special preview thing, what a great movie. i also went to blockbuster and spent way to much money on movies. i rented brokeback mountain, since i hadn't seen it yet and they really have sex in the movie, it was good. everything is illuminated because i own the book, which is a hard read, what a great movie though. i also rented thank you for smoking which i haven't finished yet but so far its good. i bought: v for vendetta, in good company, capote, transamerica, in her shoes, elizabethtown, and a very long engagement. all great movies.
i need to find something else to surive for... i want to be satisfied with my life but i am sure at this stage that is almost impossible due to the every changingness of it. oh well someday, someday
|
|
| more news |
[18 Sep 2006|12:47pm] |
i got a job at a bar. the one i frequent at school. now i frequent to work. it's fun. i hate drunk people. people i work with are drama but fun. we get in trouble alot. but i'm pretty good at it.
i just denied this kid from seattle that i've never met. i just couldn't. why? what's going to happen? i don;t need anymore people who aren't going to be a real friend. i've really been weeding those people out. it's worked out pretty well for me but still makes me sad that they can't be a part of my life.
i'm pretty tired of being let down, and tired in general. i'm sick of people making stupid decisions for themselves. i'm sick of all the goddamn undertone. i mean come on, it;s ridiculous.
the past couple weeks have been pretty eventful. last weekend we went to horse races, drank and ate, then partied at zachs with a keg and too many hockey players, both male and female. saturday day we went to forest park, walked through the gardens, went to the art museum and saw 9 different wedding parties. then i worked.
this weekend was beths birthday party out weekend, or night. it was nice to be together again since it is far and few between. it's scary that we all have lives now, lives that take up most of our time too. it creeps me out sometimes but i am starting to see the point of it all. i'm pretty proud of a lot of people. oh and i hate being together, having fun and then having to leave and part for a good month or so. leaving my house is always hard enough.
i have my graduate school application. and am pretty set on making my way in that direction. i have way to much passion for it and it will probably get me in trouble. plus i will be in the city and way over my head. it should be interesting, growing up and living on my own, in the city. with a possible career. hope it work out the way it's being played in my head. but i'm up for anything.
i've been listening to classical music, orchestra's and symphonies. it's pretty relaxing.
the amounts of beer that get drank at this bar are in the retarded amounts level. i've never seen such things.
i got a message from this kid i use to be really good friends with but am no longer. he just wanted to write to thank me for staying the same and never wavering. it was odd but i suppose it is true.
|
|
| update |
[03 Sep 2006|11:39pm] |
i'm back at school. the first week was incredible busy. i've never been that busy. a little disheartening. no hope in finding a boy. starting to expect less from everyone. having a lack of social skills, mainly drawing to not giving a shit anymore. i'm not going to do the work anymore. i got a waitressing job at the bar that i usually frequent, good times. more money. more drinking (something i need to not do anymore). went to the cardinals game today, it was really fun, hot but fun. beth turns 21 soon. i am begining to plan and invite, we are hitting the town on the 16th. should be fun, can't wait to spend time with her at richards with pat, satan, dan and sam. loosing hope in being happy but i am sure that will change. i am having fun though, and living day to day just working my ass off. applying for graduation tomorrow hopefully they will say its a go, cross my fingers.
in other news, for those of you that have forgotten, since i can;t seem to. adam's birthday is tomorrow. wish i could be a part of it but am pretty sure this way is for the better. what you'd expect is never real.
hope all is well
|
|
| so i had a bad dream |
[26 Jul 2006|06:38pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 determined |
] |
i'm in wisconsin on vacation yet again. it;s beautiful but hot. and of course being in a place this beautiful it;s hard not to be lonely. the world continues to turn however and i am starting to forget the point of going home, being that there really isn't one. the point of this whole thing was to get things off my mind.
last night i had a dream the was so upsetting it ruined the rest of my day. i went to sleep perfectly without any problems since lately it's taken me hours just to fall asleep. the other night i had to drink a whole bottle of wine just to get a couple hours. i'm starting to learn that to get a good nights sleep i must wear myself out to the highest ability of my power. our eight mile bike ride yesterday definitely helped. there was no reason why this dream was so terrible except for one major factor that i hope people do not over look. it was about adam. i've been trying so hard to push the memory and lingering feelings of him out of my mind that they have taken such desperate measures as to haunt me in my dreams.i knew it was going to bite me in the ass. it;s been pretty much a year now since i have talked to him or even seen him. a year straight without any contact. and i am still amazed at how well i have done. ask youself this. if the one person in the entire world that you believed you loved or were the closest to just disappeared how would you feel? whether it be a parent or significant other. still just imagine how you would feel. but i am doing better and i have been working very hard to just forget that it ever happened and maybe have faith that as long as i know that my feelings for him were true then it doesn't fucking matter what he feels now or ever. it comes down to the fact that i don't deserve it and neither does he plus he doesn't care.but anyway this dream was so terrible that i woke up crying and then when i tried to get control of myself i couldn;t and just cried harder. this could easily have been caused by the fact that i am about to start my period and we all know how women get around that time but still usually i can get ahold of myself. i calmed myself down and tried to go back to sleep. once i went back to sleep the dream just started where it left off. and i woke up crying again. so i said fuck it and got up and decided to walk up to town thinking this would get my mind off it. it really didn't help.
i've spent the day trying to remember why this dream was so upsetting and i figured out that it's because i felt the way i did when he was around again and it was such a terrible feeling. it made me feel worthless and like i had made no progress at all because he still had control of me like he use to. i knew the only thing that would make me feel better about the doubt i had inside was to talk to boehl, or shannon because she is great and can just smack me if the face and tell me to shit up, because all in all he and i are in the same boat and i don't mind it being together. he's the only person that can answer the questions that i need answered, well besides adam himself. he;s the friend that even though he hasn't always been around i know that we can come back together and everything just be like it normally it. he laughs at the wierd shit i say sometimes and he can just sit there at a bar with me and say nothing. i know a lot of people do not understand the basis of our relationship but i know that the friendship that we have is real and a lot stronger than both of us thought. and it;s nothing more than a friendship if anyones mind began to wander. i asked him if we were doing pretty good for ourselves without adam around and he said of course. thats all i needed to hear and now the day is just fine. i think we both realize that if he could leave us all like that than it's really not worth our minds fretting over him not being around. even though i still do all the time and that hole will never be filled again by probably anyone ever.i'll miss him forever because he was a really big part of my life but thats the choice i've made and i'll deal with it. we only let people affect us as much as we want them to. we will be ok and sometimes thats all you need to hear.
summer is almost over and i can't flipping wait to get back to school and get on with life. everyone always thinks that summer is going to bring all these great life changing events but all in all it;s about the connections that make it through trying times of heart break and ruined friendships.(ps. i'm not friends with mel due to the fact that she wasn't a very good friend to me. if there are any questions about this please feel free and i will explain) i know that i will always have my core group of friends and that we will always be able to come back and everything be perfect again. this year at school will be plenty exciting and since it;s been a year since i have had a boyfriend maybe i will find one of those finally. but probably not and i am definitely not holdin my breath anymore. i'm doing ok alone and even though i had a little lapse of strength this morning i have made a vow to myself to get through what i've been dealt. there is a lot better things in my future than there have been in my past. and trust me i will be making it to chicago eventually and i am stoked. hope all is well with those reading.
|
|
| casual rambling |
[05 Jun 2006|12:35am] |
warning: this doesn't make sense. but i don't give a fuck
the moral of the story is that no one is really your friend. everyone acts like they are but when it all comes down to it you are going to be the one alone staring up at the stars with an empty hand a full drink. it's a really lonely world out there and even when you have 5 kids and husband or wife still there is only room for one in the chair of your future. i love a lot of things in this life and need to stop holding them so high. eveyone in the world is looking for that one thing to complete them, the thing that lets them feel content in thier life. it may come but it always changes and it might not be what one imagines. the stupid people aren't really stupid they just care less. it's not the fact that thye want attention now it;s fact that they haven't gotten it before. there is always far to much to think about before actually answering a question or making a necessary lfe decision. will anyone ever realize that i could make some people incredibly happy in the life that they decide to choose. why is it that summer brings on so many question? but really provides no answers for the questions asked? will we all find love and happiness? does love bring happiness? whether fame or fortune is the path that one chooses, who will be there at the end of the path? will we all still know eachother in 5 years. i can feel things falling apart.
our lives get bored and that is why there is drama
seriously like you fucking care. and due to this i am begining to care less.
people just need to be straightforward. say what they really mean. and let the people it hurts deal with it themselves. thats freedom
|
|
|
[01 May 2006|03:26pm] |
tip from the weekend....
i need to stop getting so attached....
count down to summer 2 weeks.. plus finals.. i can't believe it...
and i have no job.... one person i know still lives in p-town... so this should be good.
|
|
| blah blah blah |
[10 Apr 2006|05:55pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
it's pretty outside |
] |
i've been having these really bad feelings lately. like i'm about to get in terrible car crash. fun? not so much.
friday i got to have my second dinner party. again i cooked chicken. pasta and garlic bread. plus quacamole. it was delicious even though we didn't eat till 10. we all got really drunk. i cut my finger open and it has yet to heal. shannon also stepped on me and left this huge bruise on my arm but i definitely said i was going to punch her in the face and then we wrestled and i kicked her. hahaha. thats what 2 bottles of wine will do for ya. i passed out around 11:30 and no one woke me to go home so i woke up at 7 and went home. it was funny.
my parents and sister came down for the weekend. it's always stressful having them around plus trying to fit everything else in i had to do.but it was nice to have them here we went to the malls and the city musuem. i decided i wanted to get married there. it would be beautiful. that is if i get married
we went to a lacrosse party with all the canadian hockey players on saturday night at jesse's house. it was pretty fun. lindenwood kids don't really give a shit about anyone but themselves and everyone just slepts around. it's pretty pathetic. thank god i haven't slept with anyone from this school not counting i don't even do that. it's hard enough to find someone to talk to. usually i just stand there and laugh at everyone acting retarded. i started to clean up and got yelled at. jesse has some really cute puppies though. they are so well mannered and fun to play with.
i woke up late today but i still thought it was 9 so i went to my 9 o clock class and it was really 10. plus i missed a test. i was pissed. i went to bed at 11:30 though. oh well. i'm still pretty tired.
i got to talk about some things this weekend. to someone that actually understands and i realized that he wasn't that great and i don't think i really want that back. i expect something great from him and thats just not who he is. he's not great and everyone finally realizes it. i don't care if he comes back either, which he won't. i'm pretty great and i am going to focus on making myself better cause thats all i can do.i can't change other people, i can't save him, this i know pretty well. i did not get treated right, i deserve everything. not to be pretentious but it's true. all these girls have guys that will do anything for them and i was the one that had to do everything. the relationship should be equal. it should fit. work together. i'm ok with the fact that it;s over because the memory of what i got the chance to do is still aorund. i could have been a better girlfriend but i was pretty good already. thats all i could do.
i just really hope thats not my only chance.. i hope there is many more
i was talking to a friend a couple weeks ago and i told her i know something is coming, eventually. not right now or anytime soon but eventually it will come, and when it does it will fit. and that will be it for me but until then i just have to deal with the fact that i am totally and completely alone. some may think i blowing this out of porportion but i'm not. usually there is some one on the back burner or i always have a safety. this time that is not true. i'm constantly surprised at how well i am doing. how stable everything is in my life and how i have tons of friends that care and want to hang out with me. my friend said this was mature of me and i think thats true. i'm not bitching about it. it's a time in our lives, especially the age that we are at, that we can be selfish. we need to be, just so we get can ourselves as far as we want to be. watch out for yourself. fuck everyone else. eventually they won't be there anymore and you'll be alone and it will be to late and there will be nothing else you can do about it cause you'll be stuck. i'd rather deal with this now than later.
oh yeah and there is not a single boy in this world for me to date. not here at school, or at home, or online, or at the bar. not a single one. i swear to it.
and i haven't written in a really long time so this made me feel better. peace
|
|
| i'm not looking for something to change my life.... |
[19 Mar 2006|11:47pm] |
have ya ever noticed how everyone wants that to happen... the are out wander the earth looking for something to change thier lives. the biggest thing you could imagine. sweeps you off your feet and your life is never the same... it happens alot... and you may not realize it happens but it does and everyday.. if you never thought this then i really am an over thinker.... but i figured out that's why human drama and suffering occur.. we always want more... something to change. people die,doors open, people say hello... most people go out and look for these things and that is why i plead my case. people make decisions that put them in the situation for something painful or great, usually painful. why don't we see it might just not be worth it. we look for it and therefor it occurs.
this fascinates me because usually this occur for everyones entire lives. but my urge to do this has completely stop. if something changed my life tomorrow i would not be ready for it. it would kick my ass. i know it'll come but not anytime soon. only when i'm really ready.. most of the time you have to stop wanting something to happen for it to then actually happen.. it;s hard to believe my entire life i was searching for something i don't really care about right now.. i always care about it but i'm not about to put myself in compromising positions. i'm ok with where i am at right now. i don't want to be there for to long and i don't plan on it but i am ok right now. i'm not looking for anything to change. and thats ok with me. this might be me convincing myself of all this but i don't think it is. people may think i am idiot but this is the stuff that matters not that shit in the books. i like subterranean alot. it might be my favorite show ever. indie people are so creative.. i wish i could make music videos like that. they are pretty amazing. i think that might be what i want to do, make music videos.i like it alot and i'm good at it. call me a retard... and that means you made it to the end or maybe it could be like lord of the rings 3. fade to black
oh psyc
|
|
| one to many |
[19 Mar 2006|04:07pm] |
i've been having way to much fun lately. went to both the casino's last night. it was an ok time. casino's make me uncomfortable. i'm not sure why. i guess i don't really understand the point of their tackyness. it's also somewhat ridiculous to me to spend the kind of money most people do at casinos. oh well. i got to sit up at tripple a's alone last night. of course i wasn't alone but i didn't go up there with a group. i really enjoyed myself and seriously love that bar. way to much for my own good. list of shots: bananas something, red headed slut, oatmeal cookie, jaeger bomb, b 52, ice bomb, pineapple upside down cake, something apple. and chocolate cake. hahaha. and then i had 5 drinks. sweet.
things have been pretty good. spring break starts on friday. i don't really feel like leaving but i guess i have to. it;s only a week. i am going to spend it visiting friends at school. so if you are one of my friends and you are at a school thats in illionis expect some company. i'm going to play catch up. i ate every meal this weekend, which i am proud of. i didn't eat all week it was terrible, i just didn't feel like it.
everyone last night said that i looked sad... maybe my face is stuck like that. i'm not sad though. i'm pretty happy. things are missing yet but maybe i just need to get over that. i'm not even looking anymore. desperation got the best of me and now i am just going to be stubborn. hope all is well with everyone else. beth and i's 4 year friendship anniversary is coming up and i'm excited.
|
|
|
[07 Mar 2006|09:02pm] |
|
i need you to come back now... i'm ready now... please come back
|
|
|
[22 Feb 2006|06:21pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
full of first meal of the day |
] |
so i found out last night while drinking at the bar that yet another one of my friends is pregnant... i was not happy...... we can barely take care of ourselves let alone another person.... PEOPLE STOP HAVING UNPROTECTED SEX OR JUST SEX IN GENERAL, SERIOUSLY IT'S GETTING REDONKULOUS.... and everyone is getting engaged... i mean seriously YOU ARE NOT OLD ENOUGH TO GET MARRIED.... let me jump the gun and marry the first guy that offers.. pssh it's retarded.
i got shit as drunk last night, fell down alot due to some pine needles and got to hang out with good looking men... mm life is good. i think i only spent 20 bucks too.. fucking score... but i missed my first class which i had a test in which of course i forgot i had a test. ha
cheesy gordita crunches are the shiz...
beth you are the most important person in my life too..
|
|
| i'm glad your not a part of this |
[21 Feb 2006|05:55pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sober for once |
] |
~so much is going on at school and i can barely take it. i'm really tired of getting treated like poop and not feeling like this is home yet. i've debated on staying forever but i know i wouldn't be happy. i wanna live somewhere for myself once, not someone else. i wanna be happy with just me and i can;t seem to get there. i'm really starting to like being single though, it kinda rocks. i don't have to answer to anyone or worry about hurting feelings or putting to much energy into something that's going to turn to shit anyway. i mean yeah i wish i was lucky enough to love someone right now but hopefully eventually i'll be ready to do that again. i am not a patient person and it's hard to sit around and wait, i sure hope something good is coming. and then again i might just love him forever, but i sure fucking hope not. pshh
~i'm a little disappointed in the relationships i am building at school, it's so hard to fit into everyone else's already running smoothly lives. but i've made the effort and it's starting to pay off. i've made some really important relationships at school and i'm extatic about it. i could never replace my friends at home though, they mean more to me than this world, seriously. you guys are amazing. the fact that we can talk about anything or just drive around and laugh, sing to music that we all enjoy, share old funny memories, watch funniest home videos and law and order reruns. gosh i love it. people are not the same here.
~the school i go to is a lot like high school so of course everyone knows eachother and there is plenty of gossip to go around. it doesn't help that i know everything about everyone either. here's one i've been carrying for while, my roommate last year says that a hockey player friend of mine raped her, got her pregnant and then she had an abortion. i mean wtf.this was all last semester too. i was there that night and they were both trashed, this came out of no where, he now knows and isn't the happiest person. but let me address this, i don't even know if this is true because she's a fucking liar(for example, she stole my clothes, stole most of the guys i liked last year, said she'd take me to the jimmy eat world concert for my birthday which never happened, supposedly got plastic sugery and has lied about all of it) how do you ask one of your good friends if she is making up a rape accusation. the boy says it's not true but who do i fucking believe... this issue has really been stressing me out for months. and now that he knows i gota take care of it soon or it's going to explode. can you say confrontation.
~i've been having a pretty good time at school lately, getting all my assignments done and having enough time to hang out and go out. i really miss my parents though and i am sad at the fact that i won't be home for awhile. i just can't miss anything and mardi gras is this weekend. i'm kinda thinking i should just blow it off and go home but it's mardi gras, i've never been, and i am scared. that's a lot of crazy people in one area, drunk crazy people at that.
~i'm mending bridges and i'm excited. jared shipp left town this weekend for the marines and i got a chance to say goodbye, i was sadden i wasn't invited but oh well. i'm worried adam didn't even get to say goodbye but i guess thats his own fault. who just randomly moves to oklahoma? oh well.
~i've been pretty anxious lately, maybe bored with life. i dunno i gota stop smoking, seriously, it's getting retarded. it's just a nice retreat from myself and it makes me fun again, like i use to be. shit i forgot my sister reads this, lala disreguard any debatchery you hear and stop hanging out with druggies.
~i'm ready to start my life and i am sick of waiting. i know where i want to be and i thought i knew who i wanted to be with. this proves the theory of ever changing life, which is bullshit. i've been trying to write but get bored with what i am saying and stop. i haven't meet anyone new and exciting and am drawing the conclusion that i already know everyone new and exciting. i miss andrea, alot. i always miss my beth and matty g. i really wanna take a road trip cross country one of these days. i keep expecting him to show up one of these days but he's never going too and i know i am better off now without him than i was when i was with him, i was a terrible person and he made me that way and i never wanna go back. i've been working out too and feeling great. i've been worried lately though, but of course thats about everyone else problems.
tonight i'm going to go get drunk with my friends and have some free drinks and some good old lindenwood fun.. sweet.
i think people are starting to realize that i'm great......
|
|
|
[25 Jan 2006|06:07pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 content |
] |
i have so much to say and not enough ears to hear it.... what am i suppose to say in these things now a days. it's so impersonal... nothin has changed but yet everything at the same time. i haven't smoked in 2 days. now i know i can quit if i want to, that's nice. i miss my beth. i wish you came in boy form darling.. thats an area i don't even want to talk about now.... my brain is back and i really can't wait to use it. my classes so far this semester seem to be working out, work that i can actual handle. and i have already had more fun in past 4 weeks than the past 3 years of being here.. i can juggle everything, and i will juggle everything... just you watch... i will make dean's list, be an RA, and find a boyfriend this semester if it kills me.
you know whose a good band.. hot rod circut. i can't get into any new shit. only the stuff i know and love,
i haven't taken a nap in 3 days. holy shit that blows my mind.
oh and i am great. did you know?
|
|
|
[14 Nov 2005|04:14pm] |
|
i need suggestion for cds i need for christmas. anything would be helpful. i have a couple but since i am getting money i need suggestion. good stuff. really good stuff or bad stuff, anything i guess. suggestion of what people are listening to would be helpful. leave me something.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8){kind=small}
lonely_pennies's journal